I WATCH television a lot these days, believe me when I say a lot! And even though it is not exactly my topic for the day I have something to say about it!
TV is boring these days!
So I tend to watch and let my not-so imaginative mind wander and day dream about some things I see on the big idiot box!
I end up asking myself questions or imagine different scenarios as adverts and programmes lamely pass!
One of the questions that hit me recently after I saw a rather lame condoms advert was “what is the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for me?”
Answer — Nothing!
At first I sat there and thought to myself, what kind of men have I been dating; (or those that have been trying to woo me then)?
But as I was about to question my taste, another advert came on, this time it was of those sticky sweet lovey dovey movies they play on Thursday nights — someone please remind me to ask the producers of that particular station if they really think ladies nights are supposed to be so sticky)
Anyway, I had had the unfortunate opportunity of watching this movie a while ago, and believe me when I say it is pregnant with all the clichés that define romantic as defined in bioscopes and those M and B books some were so obsessed with in high school!
This took me back to my original thought about romantic gestures from suitors, crushes and “lustees” (those I have lusted for lol), and I changed my mind about my taste!
Yes I am allowed to change my mind — it is my prerogative as a woman!
And yes, I have had bad choices in taste, I am human!
But back to my day dreaming; I realised I really am glad no one has ever pulled a ‘bed strewn with red rose petals’ stunt!
Eish, I get it, it is perpetuated to be a really romantic gesture; but unfortunately it would seem that the man is seriously out of ideas, or is a real fan of those Thursday movies I mentioned earlier!
Nothing wrong with trying, as they say, it is the thought that counts right? Wrong!
Bona! I get that some men have limited romantic vocabulary but what do rose petals on my nice white sheets got to do with it?
Seriously, who is going to wash those sheets after we roll around in them?
Ok, yeah, you will say I have no right to be thinking about clean-ups (of that sort), and maybe the sheets will not be white! But you get my drift!
I know this would be a time for me to relax and experience as many shivers as my bones can take at once, but . . . ache!
Why don’t you just save us all the trouble and buy me those roses as a bunch?
I promise I will try to keep them alive for a while, then when they dry up, I can press them and keep them as keep-sakes or better, use them as pot-pourri! Kapa joang?
Eiza! Ladies and gentlemen, just because oysters are said to be aphrodisiacs does not mean you have to ply your partner with those squidgy things!
Oh yeah, apparently they are romantic when they are served with a milliard of other stuff, and believe it because maybe you have tried it (or were planning it). Let me save you the trip and maybe the embarrassment!
First of all, they stink!
And since these are usually served raw or just smoked, they stink more!
Just imagine trying to get all intimate and touchy feely with fish breath? And those things are seriously icky and chewy!
Bubbly is one of the most preferred romantic beverage, well, according to flicks and books! But really, most champagnes taste like carbonated piss, so I do not get it how that would really
turn me on!
Want to get me all nice, plastered and easy, so we can celebrate our ‘love’?
Get me a beer! Plenty of them actually; now we can get somewhere!
I seriously want to meet the genius who came up with the idea that eating in the dark is romantic!
I grew up eating by the light of the candle and when I compare those days to now, it was not exactly fun, but we had no choice!
So I will have a proper meal under proper lighting — thank you very much! Well unless our electricity provider decides otherwise — without warning as usual!
And guys, it is stupid and dangerous to put an engagement ring in beverage glasses or edibles when trying to propose!
Do not be surprised when a sensible woman’s answer is NO to your proposal; why would she want to marry someone who is already attempting to kill her by choking her! Or maim her by making her lose her teeth?
Ok, yeah, we all have different tastes I know, and all these may just be up your alley, so you might as well disagree with me!
So let me ask you one last question — I challenge you to hit me up with your view! Do you really believe (as the picture-shows so flourishingly display) in ‘love at first sight?’ Before you nod, clap and ululate on how you agree with that statement and gush out your love story think about it hard!
Eiish, for me, just give me real long luscious “lust at first sight” — now we are talking!