SCRUTATOR: Heroes high on heroin

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THIS week Scrutator was inconsolable after her favourite team, Sekamaneng Young Stars, kissed good-bye to topflight football.

Not that she did not expect the axe to fall on the boys after the incredible records they accomplished in their debut premiership season.

First, you might want to remember that journalists had a torrid time getting the team’s name correct.

The innovative ones among us called my boys Sekamaneng Youngsters — and they even threatened to bet their wives and children as they insisted on sticking with their ignorance.

The team’s results on the field of play were quite sobering.

My boys won just once in 27 league outings and four of their seven points came from fortuitous draws.

And in the process they conceded a staggering 60 goals while finding the net themselves only nine times!

Scrutator had already forgiven Young Stars for their scandalous feats by the time their fate was confirmed last weekend.

Then Ketso Moletsane, who has been flagrantly shepherding the young boys into ignominy, opened his mouth.

I wept.

“Sekamaneng Young Stars have been relegated by referees,” Moletsane said.

Someone give me my hankie!

“Referees have an attitude towards promoted teams,” he gushed without an iota of shame.

“They (referees) are ruining the league and more importantly destroying our football.

“Now they have relegated a team that may never come back again.”

Listen ntate, it’s people like you who should never come back into football!

Not content with disgracing my team left, right and centre, you have the nerve to point a finger at match officials.

Where were you when we were conceding a glut of goals almost every game?

So were the referees uprooting opposition goalposts during matches so that Young Stars couldn’t score?

Or maybe they connived to ensure that Young Stars’ goalposts were always wider than those of their opponents?

Football is not about weird conspiracy theories.

You can cook up as many excuses as you want but the bottom line is that you are a failed coach who did a tremendous job sinking my young stars.

 

Scrutator would like to welcome the guys who are putting together the new paper curiously titled her heroes and heroines.

Quite inventive, isn’t it?

To start a paper and put it on the market with such a mouthful of a name and aesthetically challenged masthead is a novel idea of doing it with a difference.

I will not say much because the boys need to settle.

My only hope is that the “heroes” will not behave like people high on “heroin” when they put pen to paper.

I pray that they will not behave like the cantankerous scribes who have been weeping ever since I started pointing out their monumental follies and legendary incompetence in this column. 

Guys, this industry is not for drunken pretenders.

It needs sober minds.

But I would have done you a big disservice if I don’t point out a lil’ things. 

For starters, you must learn to get basic things right.

Telling readers that there is a country called hilippines will scare them away.

Breaking new records of mediocrity by writing sentences that are 113-words long is a wrong route towards making a readable paper.

Please, also desist from waffling to compensate for lack of substance in stories.

I spotted dozens of gaffes but I will not rub it in because the name of the paper is already weighing things down.

 

It should now be clear even to the uncircumcised critic that Jacob Zuma’s juggernaut is unstoppable.

Not only is the Zuluboy an extraordinary tactician but a visionary of the highest order.

His recently announced cabinet line-up is the latest testimony that Msholozi is not the feudal potentate that his enemies wanted us to believe he is. 

The man has confounded his critics with his reconciliatory spirit and magnanimity. 

As things stand right now Zuma could be the next most popular state president in the world after Barack Obama.

If you disagree then get lost. 

Scrutator actually thinks Zuma is the sexiest politician on the continent and wouldn’t mind getting a dinner date with South Africa’s first citizen.

After all, the man from KwaZulu is a celebrated bedroom bull. 

Besides, I now understand why the Zuluboy had to occasionally hop from one bed to the other. 

The guy is just too hot for his not-so-many wives.

I was honoured to be invited to Zuma’s inauguration ceremony in Pretoria last Saturday.

After Zuma introduced his painfully modest first wife to the guests I immediately understood why the man deserves alternative feminine company.

Not only is MaKhumalo a grandmother, she is just not the type to cope with a hectic conjugal calendar.

The other two women did not impress me a bit. 

I am still wondering if that first lady from the village will blend well with the global league of first ladies.

Will the village mother be able to host America’s Michelle Obama or Cameroon’s Chantal Biya or Zimbabwe’s Grace Mugabe if they were to jet in for a state visit as is likely to happen?

Nkosazana would have stood in good stead for that role being a sophisticated diplomat who has handled the republic’s foreign ministry with grace.

But I also understand why the Zuluboy could not stick around her for too long.

A glance at the diplomat will give you enough evidence.

So that leaves the new president in a quandary — a predicament that can only be neutralised if Zuma gets himself a fourth wife who can adequately rise to the role of first lady. 

And Scrutator will be available if called upon.

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